...because fiction is our greatest escape from reality...

So… Which One?

spider.jpg 

The idea for a very creepy and stomach churning story has been bothering me for quite a while now.  Today, I sat down and pounded out 1500 words on it.  Had planned to work on BOAA, but I’m also wanting to do more in the short story markets again.  There is something to be said for the satisfaction one gets from short story sales. 
Actually, they rock.  I love writing short and I love selling my work. 
Uh, duh on the selling part.  Please!
Anyway, with the time it takes to market myself to agents with my book length fiction, I feel a few writing sales might keep me going in the meantime.  <g>
Today, I wrote all those words and halfway through the afternoon remembered that I’d started this story before!!!  That’s what I get for working on more than one computer.  (My employer set me up this week with a desktop with two over 30″ monitors to make the work easier on the eyes.  Man, I love having two huge screens to work on! And I can leave email up on one while writing on another.  Bad me!) 
So… these are roughdrafts of both beginnings. 
Tell me… which intrigues you more?
           The apartment stink chased Rula from her building and out into the cold.  She jammed her fists into the pockets of her ancient faux leather jacket, careful to tuck the wadded handkerchief into the hole in the corner of one.  If she didn’t, frigid air crept in to bite at her fingers.  Dag had been wearing their last pair of gloves when the troopers came for him.
Or
The stench yanked Rula from sleep.  Bile rose in her throat as she shoved a hand over her nose and kicked the remains of last night’s dinner off the bed.  Glass shattered when her dishes hit the tile, so she rolled to the other side and planted her feet on the floor.  Lurching into the tiny bathroom, she lost what was left of the fish she’d eaten for dinner.

13 Comments

  1. March 10, 2008    

    I like number one. It makes you wonder what is going on, why they had only one pair of gloves, why trooper took him away. Has an apocolyptic feel to it.

    Thanks for the plug BTW. Like the new look but also liked the peepers. Carol

  2. March 10, 2008    

    Numero uno. Good use of show and not tell.

  3. March 10, 2008    

    Those peepers were making me feel narcissistic. 😉

  4. Anonymous Anonymous
    March 10, 2008    

    Number one, but replace “The apartment stink” with “The stench” because it’s stronger. 🙂

    Sounds good so far…

  5. March 10, 2008    

    Sorry, Rinda, Anonymous is me. Am computer challanged today…it’s monday, what can I say?

    ~Sara

  6. March 10, 2008    

    Number One is my favourite – I like the apoc/post apoc atomosphere. Very intriguing. And a nice touch with the hole in the corner of one of her pockets… 🙂

  7. March 10, 2008    

    I’m so loving that you guys are picking up the post apocolyptic feel of number one.

    That kind of story is my fav. 😉

  8. March 11, 2008    

    I really have to say number one. It’s really better and the way you wrote those woreds. Really attention gripping.

  9. March 11, 2008    

    I have to agree with everyone else. Number one intrigued me more.

  10. March 11, 2008    

    Definitely #1. It’s more intriguing.

    Diggin’ the new skin, BTW.

  11. March 11, 2008    

    Yay!!! Number one was my fav and it’s the one I wrote Sunday. I pulled up the old one (#2) and was thinking it felt more imediate, but I’m wondering if I forgot about writing it because it’s just not me. Not like the first.

    You guys are great.

    Thanks Celise, on the skin. I’m liking it better myself. 😉

  12. March 15, 2008    

    I’m going to disagree late and say #2 because it’s more immediate and more vivid. Love the first line of it.

  13. March 18, 2008    

    I was wondering if anyone would pick two because it feels more immediate. Plus, this is for the sci-fi horror crowd.

    I’m thinking of merging the two. 😉

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