Well, I typed up this long post and my freaking Internet rebooted. I wish, wish, wish my cable company would repair this problem. I waste more time…
And for once, Blogger was letting me post images and use the “enter” button. Not again. So, go back to this post and take a look at the image. The Write Snark: Writing Time– Like Sex
I ordered an 8×10 print of this image for ten bucks and wow. It’s on photo paper. The colors are startling up close at first, but set it back and it’s breathtaking. There is a stunning grace to the very different lines of feminine and masculine. I’m framing it and putting it by my computer. For ten bucks (3.50 shipping), I think romance writers would benefit from having this image near their work space. Hell, any writer would. Pastels paintings and sculptures art collections
At nearly six feet, it’s not often that I feel as feminine and dainty as that woman in this image. Don’t get me wrong, I can, but not often. I have a slim bone structure and tiny wrists, but they are at the end of these seriously long arms. (g)
I typed up this long post last night but find that this morning, it’s a bit “too” revealing. You see, I started watching this movie, The Machinist. Couldn’t finish it because Christian Bale’s weight loss was too painful to look at. I know he did it for the role, but damn! He did this rolling thing with that emaciated body at the beginning and I was outta there!
You see, I used to have weight issues. People always scoff when they see me and hear that. They have no idea. And frankly, it’s pathetic and embarrassing.
I’m 5’10” and weigh 145 lbs. I know, it’s a twisted woman who admits such a thing… But in highschool, I could never get over 115. That wasn’t the problem tho. You see, whenever the constant moving and even more constant drama of my family would get to me, I would feel I had no control over anything. I could control food, so I’d quit eating. At fifteen, I was 5’10” and got down to 87 lbs.
Hey! Stop! Do not try to picture that. Don’t. You’ll regret it.
Yes, Anorexia was briefly discussed with a doctor — I went in for something else and his eyes bugged. Yes, strangers would give me food. Teachers brought me milk shakes and one science teacher said he’d give me beer if it wouldn’t get him fired. My boyfriend’s grandmother even sat me down and forced me to eat an entire burger. We won’t discuss how ill that made me. (Oh, and btw, that boyfriend was there before the scary weight loss and after… and he’s still here. )
But I didn’t have the issue that some other girls have with food. I really like food. I did get over this with only one small relapse around the age of 30. And yes, it was during another emotional time. I just didn’t like to eat if I wasn’t happy.
Uh, I got over that.
But do you remember that discussion about residual image in the Matrix? We all have this idea of how we look. As we get older and see the stranger in the mirror, we wonder what happened to that person. For me, that person is a lot thinner than the one I see now. I do struggle with it and people do scoff because I’m not a heavy person. It’s psychological and it’s silly, but it’s there. I will see my teenaged daughter giving me strange looks when I start dieting and I quit. She is absolutely beautiful and I do not want her having a warped idea of what beauty is. The weird thing about this strange mindset is that I don’t have this issue when it comes to others. I find beauty in men and women of all sizes. It never really occurs to me to even think about it outside of myself. Beauty really has nothing to do with out the outside and I do know this! But as most people are…and especially writers, I’m hard on myself.
Watching him in that movie just reminded me of an icky time and the only reason I’m sharing is because small though it may be, a young woman with a similar problem might happen by and see that it is possible to work past it. The struggle is small and just pops up its beady little head once in a while, but I’m pretty strong willed and just kiss its ass goodbye.